+ I discovered that whole foods sells dillisk.

+/- I had tuna for the first time today. It wasn’t bad really….it’s just the mental part….cat food. That’s all I can think of. Cat food. Urgh. I like fish…but tuna is just…cat food.

+ Eddie Lenihan’s book came in the mail today/

+ My studio visit went pretty well.

- Thesis proposal and outline are due in two days. What.

Ok, see now, here is the problem.

Faculty want me to change things up. I know my work isn’t perfect; in this little institutionalized art world, there is no such thing as perfect art because there are always contradictions, everything is subjective, and taste always comes into play.

I know there are problems; why do I paint in such-and-such style, why is it mounted on panel, why is there a white background; I don’t have answers for those, yet.

So faculty want me to do things differently. In particular, the way/style in which I’m painting the things I’m painting. While I’m not ultimately opposed to this idea, at all, I’m not ready for it. I have only done four paintings in this way, all done within about a month and a half. That’s not enough pieces for me to move on from; I feel like I haven’t spent hardly any time with this stuff, and already I’m being asked to leave a good portion of it behind. I know I have to do that at some point, and I will; I can’t keep making this shite forever, something has to change, but now? Jesus, it feels like this work isn’t but a baby yet.

So I’m a little bit peeved right now. I think I’m going to have to say something about it to my instructor tomorrow, and she isn’t going to like it, and is probably going to get angry at me, but in all honesty as soon as this pressure is put onto me is when my work starts falling apart. Halfway through last semester my instructor finally gave in and said “ok, I’m just going to have faith in you that you can get some good work done,” and as soon as that leash was loosened I did perfectly fine (and was happy). If this instructor can do the same, I’d feel much better.